How to be the Perfect Mom

Lately there has been an enormous amount of chatter on Social Media about what constitutes the "Perfect Mom". So I thought I'd add a few tidbits to the static. Pay close attention. This is very serious. I mean, I didn't become a perfect mother overnight. But, I promise, if you follow my advice...well...let's just say, you'll be close to perfect.

1. Always Put Your Child's Needs First

For example, I just picked up my fifteen-year-old daughter from high school and she said she was "hungry"; so, naturally, I told her it was much more important that I get my nails done. I did, afterall, have a 4:00pm nail appointment and it was 3:45pm. Her hunger can wait, right? But, I did give her an open bag of Dorito's I had stashed  at the bottom of my purse. See, I'm always thinking of them first.

2. Speak Kindly to Your Children 

Your words are like daggers and your children need nourishment and reassurance that you love them no matter what. Let me explain, just last week I woke up my teenage son to tell him his room was a mess and he was living like a pig. I once yelled so loud at my children I lost my voice for two weeks. And, yes, I almost forgot, I have a wonderful habit of walking into my room and slamming the door on them if I don't want to hear what they are saying. Ah, perfection. I can almost hear the jealousy rising in the mothers reading this article. But, alas, continue reading.

3. Always Make Your Children Your Top Priority

Oh, this is a good one. I often like to ditch my family entirely and go to a movie with a good friend. I buy a large buttery popcorn and a Coke. I hang out way too long with my friend laughing about life, work, marriage, and motherhood. Sometimes I come in well after 1 am. Hey, but I always remember to bring them the left over popcorn. That's what a perfect parent would do.

4. Always Keep a Good Eye on Your Children

Goodness knows, this is important. They need to feel like you will always keep them safe. Once I let go of my toddler son's hand for one second and he ran into oncoming traffic on a busy road. Perfection at its finest. Or, even better, once the same aforementioned son, climbed to the top of the stairs at a friends house and fell down creating a scene right out of a stunt devils handbook.Or, get this, once I locked my six-month-old daughter in the car on a hot, Arizona summer day and had to break the window to get her out. Like I mentioned, it's hard being a perfect parent.

5. Never Let Your Children Know Your Problems

It's not good for them to worry. I try my hardest to keep bad news from them. Like the time we had no money to fix our old, beat up Honda and they had to push start it everywhere we went. Or, the time we had to heat up water on the stove so we could take warm baths during the winter since our Gas had turned off and I didn't get paid for a few more days. Or, the time we got evicted and we had to move our stuff overnight.

6. Always Help Them Academically

This is a sure fire way for them to be successful. Your children need your support. For example, my college-age son needed our family computer to write up a report, but I told him he could use it after I finished watching Season 3 of "Lie to Me". See, I care about his academics. Or, the time my daughter needed me to sign a paperwork so she wouldn't get detention after school. Hey, for the record, I apologized when I picked her up from detention.

7. Teach Them to Love Others

You are their best example of how to love others. They are watching everything you do and say. Like the time I made an rude comment about a lady at church, or the time they heard me talk behind a neighbors back, or the time they heard me judge another person harshly, or the time I lied to get out of something, or the time they saw me flip off a bad driver, or the time I harshly judged another person. See, being a perfect parent isn't hard at all.

Conclusion:

I hope you learned a few good lessons from me. I assure you, I am a very talented, gifted, and let's not forget, perfect mother.  I have never lost them in a grocery store, or forgotten to feed them, or smacked them across the face, or humiliated them in front of friends, or hurt their feelings, or broken a promise to them, or been outright nasty to them.

Nope.

Never.

I am, after all, a perfect mother.